Yesterday was the best day of my life. I went to Katho's for a homework party. (Screen flashes to pie chart of "Time spent studying: 2%, Time giggling: 98%, Margin of error: 2%") We hung out there for a while and wrote a funny letter, which was funnier at the time than it is when I read it now. Then we took a bus to Rachel's house for her Cello lesson. Katho and I walked to Mel's and picked up radioactive Ryan Seacrest fries and normal fries and Coke. I found out about a muppets movie where "They visit Fonzi's grandma and sing a song at the end." I spent forever laughing and falling over before I realized she meant "Fozzi" not "Fonzi." We brought the stuff back and Rachel took a break to eat, then the teacher showed up, but her mom doesn't like her being with Burkies so we were really quiet and studious in her room while she played the Cello and her mom did dentist stuff.
Then we called my mom for a ride to Cara's. We got her and walked up to MIchAeL BErnStEin's house. We couldn't find it at all. So we finally got him to meet us at a park after like, an hour of looking for him. His directions were SO lame, and he said he was busy but he actually wasn't. He said he had like, a gajillion guys over, but there was only one. We spent (This is not an exaggeration,) 15.6 seconds with him and his friend "Dong," which I laughed about later because of that scene in "Stuck on You," where they accidentally wind up shooting this movie, and nevermind. So I saw him long enough to know that if Ken Jennings and a monkey had a kid, it might look somewhat like him. Or cross bread with a Keebler elf, so whatev. Then we all went home and Rachel's parentals were probably upset but I'm sorry.
Rachel and Katho and I also wrote this hella tight n' shit sitcom about Jesus and his dad and his dad's "Favorite old guy... The pope!" It's hilarious and wonderful. (Tagline: Mmm... Sacrilicious!)
Which reminds me: Good luck Arrested Development! Emmy's tonight! GO 7! BEST NEW SITCOM!
Okay, so here's the essay I "e-mailed" to Katho, because we were NOT together yesterday...
Why I love Craig Shwartz, my wifei, and the old hot guy
When my wife looks really hot in a really short skirt, we always m.o.. The same can be said of when I'm blowing my wife with computer cleaner, though I am well aware of her capacity to blow herself. She enjoys long walks on the beach, m.o.age, and causing ruckasi. She often needs help removing her retainer, which makes for good, clean fun. I like to play with the phone when it is off the hook. I love stalking Michael Bernstein, who is actually MiChAeL BerNSteIN! Which is somewhat like the Hank Azaria !Huff television program. I work at Inetech Corporations but I have a side job as a puppeteer and my girlfriend of 8 years keeps her chimpanzee with her and grooms it regularly. I like to kiss the chimpanzee. Craig Shwartz has a deaf secretary and a boss that really wants to do... Unmentionable things with her. They go out to have carrot juice and talk about the deaf secretary. He then starts hitting on some random who works in his building, but she decides he's gay so he has to prove he's straight by drinking way too much and forgetting about the chimpanzee. "I am a whore." And "I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen." And also, the classic, "Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintery economic climate." And last, but not least, "Cheetos in Albaquerque? I've been waiting for so long!" Anyway, the moral of my story is that if your name is Bucky Weaver, than the odds are your really hot and look somewhat like Adam from Joan of Arcadia. Anyway, I forget what my point is. I need my wife to take out my retainer now. "Geez Ricky, sorry your mom blew up." Whatever, Rachel wants me to shutup or something and tell you this quick story about a hitman and a transvestite. I almost said chimpanzee because I was still thinking about the UBER SHMEXY old guy and his girlfriend who shares juice with the monkey. I forget what I was saying but Rachel is amused endlessly anyway. How come I can't write this well for English papers? Hmmm? MMMM PILLBUG PORN!---Lane Meyer (A.K.A. Darklicious and Adamesque.)
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